absolutwillie

Tag: healing

  • Luna's heartfire

    tonight, the moon will be as close to us as she’s going to get all year.
    i took to the rooftops and snapped her up with my lens.
    she’s so bright!
    ah love…

    http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf

  • and so i begin

    WE CAN all start afresh! However far we have ascended, there is something higher; and however far we have fallen, it is always possible to make a fresh start.

    Eph 4:20

  • celebrating 1 year of sobriety!


    it’s amazing! waking up this morning, i could hardly believe that today’s my first birthday as a recovering alcoholic. what a trip!!

    so much has happened,

    • reconnected to God
    • relocated to Taiwan to teach
    • got a job
    • got an apartment
    • got a scooter
    • met the most incredible person (in the romantic sense)
    • settled most of my debts
    • reconnected with those i lost along the way
    • quit smoking
    • forgave and was forgiven
    • found peace

    since i decided to break out of Baker Street:

    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjYVyndrQuU&hl=en&fs=1&w=425&h=344]

    Winding your way down on Baker Street
    Light in your head and dead on your feet
    Well another crazy day, you’ll drink the night away
    And forget about everything.

    This city desert makes you feel so cold
    It’s got so many people but it’s got no soul
    And it’s taken you so long to find out you were wrong
    When you thought it held everything.

    You used to think that it was so easy,
    You used to say that it was so easy
    But you’re tryin’, you’re tryin’ now.
    Another year and then you’d be happy
    Just one more year and then you’d be happy
    But you’re cryin’, you’re cryin’ now.

    Way down the street there’s a light in his place
    He opens the door, he’s got that look on his face
    And he asks you where you’ve been, you tell him who you’ve seen
    And you talk about anything.

    He’s got this dream about buyin’ some land
    He’s gonna give up the booze and the one night stands
    And then he’ll settle down, in some quiet little town
    And forget about everything.

    But you know he’ll always keep movin’
    You know he’s never gonna stop movin’
    Cause he’s rollin’, he’s the rollin’ stone.
    And when you wake up it’s a new morning
    The sun is shining, it’s a new morning
    But you’re going, you’re going home.

  • remembering the day before Change

    today was nothing at all like the one 365 days ago – still, i will most likely remember that day again in 365 days time. you see, 29 Dec ’07 was the day before the Day.

    i had just returned from my trip to the UK and many of my friends were in the region for the holidays – as were several of my cousins. i’d orchestrated an impromptu beach-braai (bbq) near my house for that afternoon – seeing as how everybody had other plans for New Year’s Eve. the turn-out was quite astounding! (i had a pretty solid reputation for throwing the best parties…)

    i started drinking in the early afternoon – which was not a strange thing for anybody to do, really. we were having so much fun, catching up and reminiscing, joking and making plans, making a huge fire and meeting new friends (everybody brought somebody, of course). the party was light-hearted and cheerful. summer evenings can be endless…

    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8WUV45DdU8&hl=en&fs=1&w=432&h=250]

  • my next holiday destination should be

    …gamirasu cave hotel

    luxury caves in Turkey – now there’s an idea!

  • 1 000 000 things i'm thankful for

    i was scheduled to do a “10 things”-list and some meme today – but something better, more profound transpired:

    the last two days have been filled with such beauty, fun and laughter. the “graduation camp” with the kids from my buxiban (CRAM School) was an amazing experience! it’s amazing how alive i feel with them. even after having to sit up all night, comforting my one student who couldn’t sleep – i’m filled with an overwhelming sense of peace.

    it is this sense of peace that opened me up to a universe of emotions tonight…

    i popped in on facebook to load photos of the weekend – and browsed some of my friends’ latest albums. unexpectedly, i was hit by a wave of longing. a dear friend posted pics of his brother’s (my best male friend) farewell in Cape Town. him and his fiancée are headed for the UK to hack out a new future for themselves. seeing their beautiful, excited faces made me long to be there, in that moment, with them. i’m happy for them, excited about their future – but also sad. sad to see the final chapter of, what i should now call our “old” lives come to an end – even if it is via facebook.

    it is no secret that i’ve loved him since the day we met – all of 8 years ago.

    i remember it clearly – the moment we met: my new roommate and his friends picked him up at McDonalds, in a tiny, yellow VW CitiGolf. i was sitting relatively comfortably in the back seat – when i looked into the shining doorway of McD’s at an enormous silhouette coming our way. the memory has probably been colored by my mind – but he looked like a warrior emerging from a brilliant light. my first thought was something like: “he’d better never find out i’m gay – he’d beat the living crap out of me!”

    i couldn’t have been further removed from the truth. the man who squeezed in next to me turned out to be the first, real shoulder to help carry my “burden”. and quite possibly, he was the one who finally lifted it from my shoulders and showed me that i’ve been carrying a blessing all those years. what was my burden became a source of magic. and through all the trials and tribulations i faced – he was always there to show me where the anchors were. even at the hight of my alcoholic madness – he brought peace. no wonder i love him.

    no wonder she loves him.

    i’m choked with a heavy sense of loss. this is me being selfish. but i want to own this feeling, these thoughts. i want to learn from them what i should’ve so many times before. i realise that, secretly, i’ve been waiting for him to love me back… romantically. the truth is that he does love me – and has loved me for years – as only true friends can.

    i also know that this love – powerful as it is – is not the love we seek in a life partner. he has found his in a wonderful, talented and all ’round beautiful woman – and i know that i’m overjoyed! what is hurting isn’t letting go of him – its letting go of all the failed “relationships” i’ve been in whilst “waiting” for him. the sense of loss is rooted in my own realization that i’ve let so many opportunities slip by – and that i can’t blame this on alcohol. i chose those doomed relationships exactly because they were doomed. i wanted them to be doomed. i wanted to be rescued.

    and now i am.
    rescued.

    it might not read the same way it feels, but writing this has thrown me around like a rag-doll in a tumble-dryer. and writing that last admission released me into the light.

    he’s done it again!
    oceans apart…

    Dankie TP – dat jy nog altyd, weereens en steeds my baken was, is en sal wees. My hart is vanaand vol dankbaarheid – vir jou en vir Chanel. Mag jul liefde ook ‘n lig vir ander wees – en kom kuier gou.

  • the Meme is Andrew Johnston

    memes
    out here in the blogosphere, we’re quick to call a jig a meme. copy it, paste it, tag some peeps and forget about it. sharp! it’s a meme…

    yeah well no fine. so let’s call it a blog-meme.
    or meme2.0

    but it’s not a real meme. remember my post about Mark Twain’s meme?
    that’s the ticket. it’s like a brain worm. it gets into your mind and stays – endlessly looping.
    its stuck.
    its stuck.
    its stuck.

    Andrew Johnston’s requiem is a real meme.

    he’s been singing in my head since I saw his video on cb’s blog.
    i’ve played it for my parents – who’ve been humming it ever since.
    i showed the video to a neighbor. she sings it at work.
    i sing/hum the requiem.
    i watch Andrew over and over again.
    i’ve posted his video on my facebook profile.
    i pray for him every evening at bed time.
    i’m blogging about him again!

    let him sing some more!!!

    Andrew: record and release the track on the web – your magic is changing the world! your voice makes me happy. your song melts frozen hearts. from what i’ve seen – your song reconnects people to the Divine. sing, Andrew. sing!

    to the Brits: vote for him!

  • i wept

    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LExJ6oN4hUo&rel=0&w=425&h=355]

    i’d like to thank cb for posting this.
    i am haunted…

  • How I did yesterday

    Yesterday I listed my “just for today” goals.
    Here is how it went, in retrospect:

    Yesterday I almost managed not to stress about “tomorrow”. If banks would stop calling me and reminding me that my credit card payments are over due (of which I am painfully aware)- I might do better today.

    Yesterday I was happy – until my Mom’s bad spell at Aquarobics. No-one’s exactly sure what happened – but it looks like another heart attack.

    Yesterday I tried to adjust myself to what is. When I realised I was trying to adjust everything to my own desires, I reminded myself to let go – and let God.

    Yesterday I strengthened my mind by attempting designs that pushed my skills. I almost tried to read Franz Kafka’s “The Trial” again – but didn’t.

    Yesterday I only exercised my soul in one-and-a-half ways:
    I did somebody a good turn, but got found out.
    I only did one thing I didn’t want to – taking a lady home after Aquarobics.
    I did, however, manage not to show anyone that my feelings were hurt.

    Yesterday I was agreeable. I looked pretty well in a white, weather-appropriate outfit (thankfully we live and work on the coast). I talked low and with a smile, acted courteously and refrained from criticising anything – or anyone. (Scratch that – I did go off about Stormhoek…)

    Yesterday I almost had a program. I didn’t write it down – and didn’t follow it exactly, though I did try to save myself from hurry. Indecision still plagues me though. And the indecision is about choices I have to make about my future. (See point one re: not tackling my whole life problem.)

    Yesterday I had a quiet half hour all by myself. It was quiet outside, but noisy inside. I need to learn how to relax. During this half hour, I tried to get a better perspective of my life, but ended up going on tangents about the choices I just referred to.

    Yesterday I ended up being afraid. Not of enjoying what is beautiful, but of screwing it up. I’m not sure what I’m giving to the world… and it feels like the world is giving me a headache.

    It’s lunch time now. Maybe I’ll do better this afternoon?
    (This morning has gone to the dogs already.)