reset

it’s not a particularly well kept secret that November was a terribly trying month here at the café. my new job upped my stress-levels a touch; Peter joining his parents in opening a new noodle shop has eaten into our precious free time; old man Winter’s SAD-influence on my internal processes were left unchecked and, the proverbial straw: an intensely personal trial very nearly pushed me off the roof of a building.

it all boiled to a climax about two weeks ago. after trying to cope with my illusions unceremoniously shattering around me, i reached bursting point. the cacophony in my head and heart had me bouncing off the walls… and i snapped. Peter rushed home just in time to stop me from going overboard. both our wounds were opened again and we’ve since started the process of healing.

my physiology finally got a chance to catch up this week: in that faint-and-shake kind of way i’ve managed to avoid for so long. this morning’s epileptic fit in the shower, however, was by far the best thing that could’ve happened to me. you see, this time there was a measure of lucidity to it. what i mean by that is, this time i can remember seeing something. almost like a flickering stream of a thousand polaroids flying past me. i remember seeing my sister, pink flowers, and Peter. i remember a sense of peace. i also remember hearing Peter’s voice fading in from somewhere. he was calling my name – and when i started to come around, his face materialized in a flickering,white haze – which later became the bathroom ceiling.

he got me to our bed where i lay still confused and panting, trying to pull myself towards myself. i knew that Fear was going to grip me any second and was trying to prepare myself for the onslaught. what followed, though, was quite different than usual. in the past, i would be flooded with feelings of terrible fear, horror, loneliness and regrets of all shapes and sizes… but today only one Visitor had come to present itself to me. only one, ice-cold and crystal clear fear: not the fear of not waking up, but the fear of dying and leaving Peter without him knowing how much i love him.

it was at once a crippling curse and a liberating blessing. i managed to see the blessing and chose to take that as my cue. i got up, got dressed and went to lie next to him on the couch. my “reset button” was pushed and i found myself in a place where Love again took centre stage. i’ve been asking for help to let go of the past – and i’m choosing to see today’s events as just that.

maktub.