i was scheduled to do a “10 things”-list and some meme today – but something better, more profound transpired:
the last two days have been filled with such beauty, fun and laughter. the “graduation camp” with the kids from my buxiban (CRAM School) was an amazing experience! it’s amazing how alive i feel with them. even after having to sit up all night, comforting my one student who couldn’t sleep – i’m filled with an overwhelming sense of peace.
it is this sense of peace that opened me up to a universe of emotions tonight…
i popped in on facebook to load photos of the weekend – and browsed some of my friends’ latest albums. unexpectedly, i was hit by a wave of longing. a dear friend posted pics of his brother’s (my best male friend) farewell in Cape Town. him and his fiancée are headed for the UK to hack out a new future for themselves. seeing their beautiful, excited faces made me long to be there, in that moment, with them. i’m happy for them, excited about their future – but also sad. sad to see the final chapter of, what i should now call our “old” lives come to an end – even if it is via facebook.
it is no secret that i’ve loved him since the day we met – all of 8 years ago.
i remember it clearly – the moment we met: my new roommate and his friends picked him up at McDonalds, in a tiny, yellow VW CitiGolf. i was sitting relatively comfortably in the back seat – when i looked into the shining doorway of McD’s at an enormous silhouette coming our way. the memory has probably been colored by my mind – but he looked like a warrior emerging from a brilliant light. my first thought was something like: “he’d better never find out i’m gay – he’d beat the living crap out of me!”
i couldn’t have been further removed from the truth. the man who squeezed in next to me turned out to be the first, real shoulder to help carry my “burden”. and quite possibly, he was the one who finally lifted it from my shoulders and showed me that i’ve been carrying a blessing all those years. what was my burden became a source of magic. and through all the trials and tribulations i faced – he was always there to show me where the anchors were. even at the hight of my alcoholic madness – he brought peace. no wonder i love him.
no wonder she loves him.
i’m choked with a heavy sense of loss. this is me being selfish. but i want to own this feeling, these thoughts. i want to learn from them what i should’ve so many times before. i realise that, secretly, i’ve been waiting for him to love me back… romantically. the truth is that he does love me – and has loved me for years – as only true friends can.
i also know that this love – powerful as it is – is not the love we seek in a life partner. he has found his in a wonderful, talented and all ’round beautiful woman – and i know that i’m overjoyed! what is hurting isn’t letting go of him – its letting go of all the failed “relationships” i’ve been in whilst “waiting” for him. the sense of loss is rooted in my own realization that i’ve let so many opportunities slip by – and that i can’t blame this on alcohol. i chose those doomed relationships exactly because they were doomed. i wanted them to be doomed. i wanted to be rescued.
and now i am.
rescued.
it might not read the same way it feels, but writing this has thrown me around like a rag-doll in a tumble-dryer. and writing that last admission released me into the light.
he’s done it again!
oceans apart…
Dankie TP – dat jy nog altyd, weereens en steeds my baken was, is en sal wees. My hart is vanaand vol dankbaarheid – vir jou en vir Chanel. Mag jul liefde ook ‘n lig vir ander wees – en kom kuier gou.
