Author: absolutwillie

So I’ve been off my meds since leaving Taiwan. And at first, everything went pretty well: I was starting a new adventure in America, where all sorts of wonderful things were bound to happen! My new “Boss” had all the details of my mental health program, and had agreed to ensure continuity in my treatment.

That was not the only commitment he bailed on, but it turns out it’s the one that’s caused the most damage.

Fast forward to the present, and I’ve all but fully recovered from the sh!t-storm that was my “break in the States”. All recovered, that is, except for the crap in my head.
Ambient sound transforms into noise that drowns out everything, even light. When excited, I talk louder than necessary. Sometimes my words crash somewhere between my voice box and my tongue, resulting in incomprehensible smacks and vowels. At times I lose coherence completely. I get incredibly angry at the silliest things. I zone out at random. I hate being around people, because I hate how out of place they make me feel. I don’t belong here. I struggle to “play nice”. I struggle to care, or I get over-emotional. I hate the way people look at me, like I’m a festering wound, like I’m what’s wrong. I want to hide from their judgment. I prefer the safety of solitude, but then the silence gets too loud and I just want to jam junk in my ears. Stab out the part of my brain that processes audio.

I want out.