Kylie – Wow (Victor Cheng’s Holiday Re-edit) 16:9 / Stereo
Month: January 2010
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why i am
Love is the law.
and no, I’m not talking about romance and cozy cuddles, special winks and sweet nothings… i’m talking about the nitty-gritty, push up your sleeves and sweat ’til you bleed kind of love. Loving your neighbor – in it’s broadest extent.i have been through a terrible patch – and I’m not out of the woods yet – but I have again realized the all-importance of Love. in these last few months, i have received compassion, acceptance, support and kindness from all sorts of unexpected places. here in blogland, here in Taiwan and from across the planet. people i never knew had it in them – including people i never knew at all.
through this, i have found that returning love to those around me – not only makes a significant difference in their lives – but it also heals me.
starting from a place of Love, i have made an effort to be there for my students. to reach out to my colleagues. to walk in kindness and compassion with those who cross my path in all sorts of ways. to put the past to rest and find new perspectives all ’round.
it is not always easy – for i am not a perfect being. but i am committed to stay true to Love, and by Grace alone, i am making a difference.
i have often asked myself: “What is my purpose? What is my goal? Why am I here?”
i am glad to say that i’ve accepted the answer.
Paulo Coelho tweeted it – and my heart resonated:
“Your dream is your mission.”mine has always been: “Love”
that is why i am. -
advanced warning and a post scriptum
the post preceding this one is not for the weary or heavy hearted.
if you are prone to depression – DO NOT READ IT!post scriptum: faith and medication works.
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the other side of mania
right, so here goes… i’ve often blogged about being bipolar – but i tend to stick to the manic side of things. even the posts that touch on the depressive aspects are written with a touch of mania. i suppose i don’t want to spread the dankness too much.
well, today i might just break tradition. at least, i’m hoping my self-editing won’t stop me from sharing a glimpse into the fog that hangs as a pall on the other side of mania.
yesterday was a black monday.
it didn’t start off as that, mind you. in fact, i had an unusually productive, even satisfying morning. but it all turned to sh!t very rapidly. to be clear, i don’t want to go into a lament about the triggers and such – but i think i need to show you another place some of us beepers sometimes go:imagine, if you will, walking down your street at your favorite time of day. looking around, you realize that something’s different. not quite right. you can’t quite put your finger on it though… then you become aware of a cold hand gripping your heart of hearts. not squeezing it, mind you, but holding it down. holding it tight. suffocating your will to be. you’re not loosing the will to live – you’re not losing anything. you’ve lost the need to exist. it is already gone…
looking up, you realize that you are in a cardboard cutout of what you thought was reality. the trees, the mountains, the buildings – even the grass around you – isn’t really there.
you realize you’re no longer moving. your legs give way and you sit down. you think that you should want to cry – but even that is no longer real. color drains from everything around you. the cardboard cutouts waver, then crumble before your eyes. like an elaborate puzzle, everything falls apart. gravity. even your mind starts to succumb to it. the pull is all you feel. on your heart, your limbs, even your thoughts are getting too heavy to bear.
as you hunch over, giving up all resistance, you realize the ground beneath you has vanished. but you’re not falling. you’re collapsing into yourself. at least, it looks like you. you can’t really tell. imploding is the word, i think. words… as a foreign blanket of icy despair starts to crush what little of you remains – you call out. i call out to God – but my words are meaningless. everything i know, or thought i knew, is meaningless. empty. there is just the relentless pull of internal gravity.
but just before you disappear – it stops. like a hammer hesitating to give the final blow – there is nothing, but you’re not out of the woods either. woods? there’s nothing around you but a steely, grey fog. this could be limbo. fear, frustration, powerlessness, unbearable sadness. despair. you understand, without knowledge, what despair is. that is the lesson. that is real.
when you open your eyes your back outside. the cardboard reality has been replaced by bricks and mortar. trees, grass, even a stray dog…
you get up to go home…
your name is Despair. -
reviewing '09
in the spirit of remembering and reviewing the past year, i’m revisiting my post “reviewing 08” to see what’s up:1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
I proposed marriage.2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
yup – celebrated 2 years of sobriety and reached my goal weight.
for 2010 i’ve resolved to wait for Peter.3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nadia and Etienne were blessed with a bundle of joy!4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes.5. What countries did you visit?
Hong Kong (Taiwan and SA)6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
certainty, where certainty is possible.7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Christmas Eve… Peter and i separated.8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
making it to the 2 years of sobriety mark none the less.9. What was your biggest failure?
loosing my cool when faced with infidelity.10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
some epileptic fits, but nothing significant.11. What was the best thing you bought?
our air tickets to SA.12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
still my Mom!13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
unfortunately this answer is already way too clear.14. Where did most of your money go?
debt15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Peter16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Lady GaGa’s “Bad Romance”17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) sadder
b) thinner
c) richer18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
holding his hand.19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
worrying20. How did you spend Christmas?
took the high speed rail to Taipei to visit Simon and Mathilda.21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
with Peter – over and over again – even after the disaster.22. What was your favorite TV program?
Project Runway, while we had TV.23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
no.24. What was the best book you read?
Lamb: the Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood pal.25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
that singing like Barbara Streisand is a great way to work through my emotions.26. What did you want and get?
a job that kept me in Taiwan.27. What did you want and not get?
commitment28. What was your favorite film of this year?
i really loved “Were the world mine”29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Peter took me to a western-style pasta restaurant for dinner on my 31st birthday.30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
hearing a certain someone say “I do”31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
plaid32. What kept you sane?
my relationship with God33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
missed that bus completely34. What political issue stirred you the most?
state-sponsored homophobia in Africa35. Who did you miss?
my sister… still…36. Who was the best new person you met?
Laura Moroni, my replacement at TFC.37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
when you’re about to loose your cool – pray!38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“I want your everything…” -
the way to remember 2009
DJ Earworm – United State of Pop 2009 (Blame It on the Pop) – Mashup of Top 25 Billboard Hits
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*wave*
right okay hello, hi.
so it’s 2010
and I forgot that my last post (29 Dec) was also on the eve of the second anniversary of my life without alcohol.honestly, it’s all a bit “woopdedoo” to me, right now.
ugh… this is miserable.
will post something nice next time.
