absolutwillie

Month: November 2009

  • is it wrong of me…

    … to want her at my wedding?

  • reset

    it’s not a particularly well kept secret that November was a terribly trying month here at the café. my new job upped my stress-levels a touch; Peter joining his parents in opening a new noodle shop has eaten into our precious free time; old man Winter’s SAD-influence on my internal processes were left unchecked and, the proverbial straw: an intensely personal trial very nearly pushed me off the roof of a building.

    it all boiled to a climax about two weeks ago. after trying to cope with my illusions unceremoniously shattering around me, i reached bursting point. the cacophony in my head and heart had me bouncing off the walls… and i snapped. Peter rushed home just in time to stop me from going overboard. both our wounds were opened again and we’ve since started the process of healing.

    my physiology finally got a chance to catch up this week: in that faint-and-shake kind of way i’ve managed to avoid for so long. this morning’s epileptic fit in the shower, however, was by far the best thing that could’ve happened to me. you see, this time there was a measure of lucidity to it. what i mean by that is, this time i can remember seeing something. almost like a flickering stream of a thousand polaroids flying past me. i remember seeing my sister, pink flowers, and Peter. i remember a sense of peace. i also remember hearing Peter’s voice fading in from somewhere. he was calling my name – and when i started to come around, his face materialized in a flickering,white haze – which later became the bathroom ceiling.

    he got me to our bed where i lay still confused and panting, trying to pull myself towards myself. i knew that Fear was going to grip me any second and was trying to prepare myself for the onslaught. what followed, though, was quite different than usual. in the past, i would be flooded with feelings of terrible fear, horror, loneliness and regrets of all shapes and sizes… but today only one Visitor had come to present itself to me. only one, ice-cold and crystal clear fear: not the fear of not waking up, but the fear of dying and leaving Peter without him knowing how much i love him.

    it was at once a crippling curse and a liberating blessing. i managed to see the blessing and chose to take that as my cue. i got up, got dressed and went to lie next to him on the couch. my “reset button” was pushed and i found myself in a place where Love again took centre stage. i’ve been asking for help to let go of the past – and i’m choosing to see today’s events as just that.

    maktub.

  • intermission: on religion

    i just wish the Bible-thumping, fear-mongering, hate-and-damnation types would stop shouting: “Do you know Jesus!” and start asking: “Can you see Jesus in me?”

  • reprise: "Who knows where the time goes" – Nina Simone

    somehow, this version of “who knows where the time goes” feels like a perfect transition from our theosophical musings (in the blogosphere and the twitterverse) to something more… tactile isn’t the right word…

    moving from my last post, to my next post – Nina just makes sense.

  • Esquire.com: What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

    This radical Christian’s ministry for the poor, The Simple Way, has gotten him in some trouble with his fellow Evangelicals. We asked him to address those who don’t believe.
    By Shane Claiborne

    To all my nonbelieving, sort-of-believing, and used-to-be-believing friends: I feel like I should begin with a confession. I am sorry that so often the biggest obstacle to God has been Christians. Christians who have had so much to say with our mouths and so little to show with our lives. I am sorry that so often we have forgotten the Christ of our Christianity.

    Forgive us. Forgive us for the embarrassing things we have done in the name of God.

    The other night I headed into downtown Philly for a stroll with some friends from out of town. We walked down to Penn’s Landing along the river, where there are street performers, artists, musicians. We passed a great magician who did some pretty sweet tricks like pour change out of his iPhone, and then there was a preacher. He wasn’t quite as captivating as the magician. He stood on a box, yelling into a microphone, and beside him was a coffin with a fake dead body inside. He talked about how we are all going to die and go to hell if we don’t know Jesus.

    Some folks snickered. Some told him to shut the hell up. A couple of teenagers tried to steal the dead body in the coffin. All I could do was think to myself, I want to jump up on a box beside him and yell at the top of my lungs, “God is not a monster.” Maybe next time I will.

    The more I have read the Bible and studied the life of Jesus, the more I have become convinced that Christianity spreads best not through force but through fascination. But over the past few decades our Christianity, at least here in the United States, has become less and less fascinating. We have given the atheists less and less to disbelieve. And the sort of Christianity many of us have seen on TV and heard on the radio looks less and less like Jesus.

    At one point Gandhi was asked if he was a Christian, and he said, essentially, “I sure love Jesus, but the Christians seem so unlike their Christ.” A recent study showed that the top three perceptions of Christians in the U. S. among young non-Christians are that Christians are 1) antigay, 2) judgmental, and 3) hypocritical. So what we have here is a bit of an image crisis, and much of that reputation is well deserved. That’s the ugly stuff. And that’s why I begin by saying that I’m sorry.

    Now for the good news.

    I want to invite you to consider that maybe the televangelists and street preachers are wrong — and that God really is love. Maybe the fruits of the Spirit really are beautiful things like peace, patience, kindness, joy, love, goodness, and not the ugly things that have come to characterize religion, or politics, for that matter. (If there is anything I have learned from liberals and conservatives, it’s that you can have great answers and still be mean… and that just as important as being right is being nice.)

    The Bible that I read says that God did not send Jesus to condemn the world but to save it… it was because “God so loved the world.” That is the God I know, and I long for others to know. I did not choose to devote my life to Jesus because I was scared to death of hell or because I wanted crowns in heaven… but because he is good. For those of you who are on a sincere spiritual journey, I hope that you do not reject Christ because of Christians. We have always been a messed-up bunch, and somehow God has survived the embarrassing things we do in His name. At the core of our “Gospel” is the message that Jesus came “not [for] the healthy… but the sick.” And if you choose Jesus, may it not be simply because of a fear of hell or hope for mansions in heaven.

    Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the afterlife, but too often all the church has done is promise the world that there is life after death and use it as a ticket to ignore the hells around us. I am convinced that the Christian Gospel has as much to do with this life as the next, and that the message of that Gospel is not just about going up when we die but about bringing God’s Kingdom down. It was Jesus who taught us to pray that God’s will be done “on earth as it is in heaven.” On earth.

    One of Jesus’ most scandalous stories is the story of the Good Samaritan. As sentimental as we may have made it, the original story was about a man who gets beat up and left on the side of the road. A priest passes by. A Levite, the quintessential religious guy, also passes by on the other side (perhaps late for a meeting at church). And then comes the Samaritan… you can almost imagine a snicker in the Jewish crowd. Jews did not talk to Samaritans, or even walk through Samaria. But the Samaritan stops and takes care of the guy in the ditch and is lifted up as the hero of the story. I’m sure some of the listeners were ticked. According to the religious elite, Samaritans did not keep the right rules, and they did not have sound doctrine… but Jesus shows that true faith has to work itself out in a way that is Good News to the most bruised and broken person lying in the ditch.

    It is so simple, but the pious forget this lesson constantly. God may indeed be evident in a priest, but God is just as likely to be at work through a Samaritan or a prostitute. In fact the Scripture is brimful of God using folks like a lying prostitute named Rahab, an adulterous king named David… at one point God even speaks to a guy named Balaam through his donkey. Some say God spoke to Balaam through his ass and has been speaking through asses ever since. So if God should choose to use us, then we should be grateful but not think too highly of ourselves. And if upon meeting someone we think God could never use, we should think again.

    After all, Jesus says to the religious elite who looked down on everybody else: “The tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the Kingdom ahead of you.” And we wonder what got him killed?

    I have a friend in the UK who talks about “dirty theology” — that we have a God who is always using dirt to bring life and healing and redemption, a God who shows up in the most unlikely and scandalous ways. After all, the whole story begins with God reaching down from heaven, picking up some dirt, and breathing life into it. At one point, Jesus takes some mud, spits in it, and wipes it on a blind man’s eyes to heal him. (The priests and producers of anointing oil were not happy that day.)

    In fact, the entire story of Jesus is about a God who did not just want to stay “out there” but who moves into the neighborhood, a neighborhood where folks said, “Nothing good could come.” It is this Jesus who was accused of being a glutton and drunkard and rabble-rouser for hanging out with all of society’s rejects, and who died on the imperial cross of Rome reserved for bandits and failed messiahs. This is why the triumph over the cross was a triumph over everything ugly we do to ourselves and to others. It is the final promise that love wins.

    It is this Jesus who was born in a stank manger in the middle of a genocide. That is the God that we are just as likely to find in the streets as in the sanctuary, who can redeem revolutionaries and tax collectors, the oppressed and the oppressors… a God who is saving some of us from the ghettos of poverty, and some of us from the ghettos of wealth.

    In closing, to those who have closed the door on religion — I was recently asked by a non-Christian friend if I thought he was going to hell. I said, “I hope not. It will be hard to enjoy heaven without you.” If those of us who believe in God do not believe God’s grace is big enough to save the whole world… well, we should at least pray that it is.

    Your brother,
    Shane

  • Reprise: Million Dollar Bill – Asbury Park

    oh how i long to be part of such fun, fabulous frivolity again *lol*

    now those of you who can:
    grab your friends,
    go out and
    have a blast!

    (that’s an order.)

  • list: elisabeth kübler-ross' 5 stages of grief

    sometimes it helps to remember that:
    other’s have gone through roughly the same thing as you,
    some have studied the process of “getting over it”, and
    this too shall pass.

    sometimes change can be a very painful experience – especially when prompted by some form of grief or trauma. (and i’m using these words in their broadest sense.) i’ve often found a kind of peace – solace even – in the Kübler-Ross model, as introduced by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying“. although the model was originally developed for people with terminal illnesses – it manages to translate into everyday life quite well.

    i found myself thinking about this model often over the last week or so. in sharing it with you, i hope that somewhere, someone else might find it a little easier “to deal”.

    keep in mind that the stages are not linear: they don’t necessarily follow a set pattern. some stages might even repeat themselves at random. what is important, is to know that they exist and that we have to go through at least some of them to reach the stage of acceptance.

    1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
      Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual.
    2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”
      Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
    3. Bargaining — “Just let me live to see my children graduate.”; “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
      The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay [change]. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle.
    4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die . . . What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
      During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of [change]. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
    5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
      This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the [change] that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone.
    i went through quite a few cycles of bargaining and depression this time around – thankfully “anger” only reared it’s menacing head twice. (nobody was physically hurt in either instance.)
    acceptance, for me, was both a process and a choice this time.
    a choice, much like finding joy, that i have to stick to.

    but now, i’m afraid i have to get ready for work.
    hope you are all well!
    may your day be bright, comfy and pleasantly familiar ;0)

  • memo to self: be kind

    be kinder than necessary – everyone you meet is fighting
    some kind of battle.

    live simply,
    love generously,
    care deeply,
    speak kindly…

    and leave the rest to God.

  • still here

    although i am by far not ready to talk about it, i realize that total radio silence from me would be irresponsible.

    thought for the day: Be merciful to those who fail you.

  • find a way

    i am in a very dark and hurting place right now. still, i have to believe that there is a way through it. the following words might serve you as well:

    Most of the time our happiness is reactive behavior. We let things or people be the cause of our happiness. True happiness has no reason. It’s a choice.

    Today, find one reason for joy. And focus on that for the day.